what am I doing? Do I even want to get going on a whole new one right now? I'm so sick of myself. I'm sure you are too. We must end this sick and twisted co-dependent blog relationship. Everybody should just shut up! But get it all out! But shut up! A real paradox of impossibilities if there ever was one! Figure it out! I am. I am going to figure this out. How to remain in an un-pent-up state of mind, free to express, yet quiet. There is a way. I will find it. And let you know.
Sometimes I think, if this were my last day on the earth, would I be satisfied in all I've said and done? Have I said it all? Sadly, the answer is yes. I fight off this little cloud of depression that taunts me. It sits there and says, you've run out of running fuel, you're empty, I'm coming. I don't know if you can identify with that or not, but as an artist it's something I'm very familiar with. I always used to get this low between projects. I feel like that now. I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I should just throw random videos into my youtube blog group thing as they come to me. Like, if I have something worthy to tell, I'll just do a page for it and toss it on in, then leave. See I have several choices here. I can take this further and talk your head off for years. Or I can back off here and
I'm debating. Seriously debating. I'm
...what am I doing?
9/15/08
wait.
Maybe I'll hold off a little bit on the video thing. I still haven't figured it out. But I am going to do that. And it will be boring, yet filled with substance and meaning. Like a ham sandwich. Well guess what: it happened. The inevitable. My mom is now engaged. I knew it. One look at him and WHAMMO! Instant step-father. He is all step-father. Not that I know what a step-father should be, but if I knew, I'd say he was it. He's so nice. Step-father? I am going to have one? Did I mention he prays? My mom told me today he has his whole sunday school class praying for me. Poor people. Something that does strike fear in my heart: he has kids. My age. Sons! This is terrible! How am I supposed to make a good impression when I'm in this situation? Wait! This means: STEP - SIBLINGS!!! I...
oh no. I'm not up for this. I can see it already. There will be gatherings. There will be cookouts. There will be things expected of me. Participation. Christmas! Holidays! Gift exchanges! My mom is beaming. She really likes him. So do I. He brings me leftovers whenever they eat out.
What about my dad? How am I supposed to have two dads? What if I
And what if they hook up before I'm all better? Then what? I am not moving in with them. That's where I draw the line. I'm staying here. Actually my mom already mentioned it. She said she'd help out with that until I can afford it on my own. Which I will. Soon. Just as soon as they rig my neck back up. But then again, tonight it occured to me, why not just stop fretting over everything and sit back and allow myself to be slowly decapitated, over time? Isn't that what would have happened to me if I lived 200 years ago? What became of the people who had this problem back then? Why not just "go natural"? It did cross my mind. I'm not kidding. That is a way through this. That is an option: doing nothing. In fact, in some ways, it could be a more dignified way to exist, as opposed to getting sliced and diced and what-not. I can only imagine what they are going to do to me. I might look like Frankenstein. I might have some kind of apparatus or metal screws coming out of me. It won't be the first time. I know all about having metal screws imbedded in your bones. I had it done when I was a kid, on my foot. They even scraped bone out of my leg to put in there. I can handle it. But what I won't handle is tagging along with my mom in her new life. Although that would be Utter Justice. If you don't know what I'm talking about then that's too bad.
Ok. What am I doing? I meant to get going on some videos. But I need to rest. Writing rambling and pointless blogs is a form of rest. Doing those heavy videos wore me out. I had the shakes for days. I have to balance it all out. Oh! My betta has a new addiction: egg whites. He can't get enough of them. Whenever I stand at the sink eating a hard-boiled egg, he floats over and stares me down. I break off a tiny bit and drop it in, and he goes absolutely ape. He stalks it and attacks it, shreds it, dominates it, devours it. He loves them. But he sure is pooping a lot these days.
oh no. I'm not up for this. I can see it already. There will be gatherings. There will be cookouts. There will be things expected of me. Participation. Christmas! Holidays! Gift exchanges! My mom is beaming. She really likes him. So do I. He brings me leftovers whenever they eat out.
What about my dad? How am I supposed to have two dads? What if I
And what if they hook up before I'm all better? Then what? I am not moving in with them. That's where I draw the line. I'm staying here. Actually my mom already mentioned it. She said she'd help out with that until I can afford it on my own. Which I will. Soon. Just as soon as they rig my neck back up. But then again, tonight it occured to me, why not just stop fretting over everything and sit back and allow myself to be slowly decapitated, over time? Isn't that what would have happened to me if I lived 200 years ago? What became of the people who had this problem back then? Why not just "go natural"? It did cross my mind. I'm not kidding. That is a way through this. That is an option: doing nothing. In fact, in some ways, it could be a more dignified way to exist, as opposed to getting sliced and diced and what-not. I can only imagine what they are going to do to me. I might look like Frankenstein. I might have some kind of apparatus or metal screws coming out of me. It won't be the first time. I know all about having metal screws imbedded in your bones. I had it done when I was a kid, on my foot. They even scraped bone out of my leg to put in there. I can handle it. But what I won't handle is tagging along with my mom in her new life. Although that would be Utter Justice. If you don't know what I'm talking about then that's too bad.
Ok. What am I doing? I meant to get going on some videos. But I need to rest. Writing rambling and pointless blogs is a form of rest. Doing those heavy videos wore me out. I had the shakes for days. I have to balance it all out. Oh! My betta has a new addiction: egg whites. He can't get enough of them. Whenever I stand at the sink eating a hard-boiled egg, he floats over and stares me down. I break off a tiny bit and drop it in, and he goes absolutely ape. He stalks it and attacks it, shreds it, dominates it, devours it. He loves them. But he sure is pooping a lot these days.
9/14/08
hold on.
Before I get going on my new to-the-point, streamlined and ubercool new blog format, I have to do this first. I have some things to say. No time to wrangle with technology right now. (I still don't know how to do the text blogs yet.) (All I know how to do is the title and the end credits in text, but how does one fill the whole thing with text?)
I need to address something. I'm needing to say some things to some certain folks but not sure how to do it, or even if I need to. But I had sort of a tense dream a little while ago. I woke up knowing I need to get this out.
I'm at a turning point with what I'm doing here. I knew it would happen. I knew just as soon as I transitioned from the "I'm Amy and this is my crazy life" tone to the "No, wait, this is what I'm REALLY all about..." ...I knew just as soon as I got serious and honest, there would be tension. Not with me. But with you. Yes. The select few who I know have been following this. It's like I've been in a strange relationship with a small handfull of men and now we're all breaking up. You guys don't know each other but you probably should. And in fact I would not be surprised if one day a small band of rebels formed, consisting of my ex-boyfriends, showed up on my front porch and demanded my beheading.
I don't know where to begin. I have a lot of things to say. I have some blanket statements that defend my actions and then I also have some things I want and need to say to each of you. Does it matter? You wouldn't think so. But when I feel tension, and get vibes, I know I must do something. And heck why not spill more beans in a blog? I'm good at that.
Ok. Let's start. I want to say, I know that in lots of ways, I am hated. I'm hated for not being the sweet blonde after all. I'm hated for being vocal. I'm hated for "rejecting" a few. This is where I'm just going to cut loose and be defensive and white trash. I never rejected anybody. I just told the truth. Shall I break it down, case-by-case? Or shall I stick with the blanket statements?
Have any of you been surprised at the things I've been saying? Which of you were truly surprised to find that I'm a Christian? And that's what I'm all about? Did I hide that from anyone? No, chances are, I probably at one point in time attempted to share my faith with you and received the cold shoulder in return. To my first love, may I remind you, your words were "F**K RELIGION." You said this. During one of my attempts over the years to make peace. So what's a girl to do? Sorry. You're going to hear the things I want to share with you one way or another. Sorry you had to see it all in blogs. Would I have gotten anywhere if I would have just asked you, "please give it a shot? Please? For me?" Seriously. Have a heart. Understand. Stop hating. I know what I'm talking about and I know what I'm doing.
And then there's my Oklahoma friend. You best be nice. Even in your deepest thoughts. I can feel it from here. And I don't like it. Listen- when we first met, I gave you my story. And my story ain't no ordinary story. I was honest. I told of my spiritual gift. So don't act all like I did something I shouldn't have to you. You knew I was on. If anything surprised you it was because you didn't believe me in the beginning. Is that my fault?
What is it with you guys? I never hid a thing. And then you get all bent out of shape when I actually do and say the things I told you I was all about. I'm sorry to have caused anyone a shred of discomfort, but I can assure you, your discomfort doesn't hold a candle to what I live on a daily basis. Trust me. But this is my thing and I have no regrets. I'm learning that hurt and mistrust can be buffered and maybe even avoided if there's understanding. Please do your part and try to understand me. My part is in the explaining.
The latest guy I've been dealing with has given me more headaches and heartaches than any of the rest, combined. I think it's because of him that I am speaking to the rest of you. Ok here's a blanket statement for you all: I love all of you. I love everybody. All I ever wanted to do was help you to be free. You never would have listened to me if I would have just sat down and tried to share God with you in a normal way. Also, God hit me upside the head with dreams and visions for all 3 of you. Ok maybe this is getting a little too personal here but I just can't take it anymore. I have to get this out. Ever since '05 I have referred to ya'll as my "Top 3". Cause you guys were brought to the forefront of my heart, mind, and spirit for a couple of years and I was shown lots of things about ya'll. I had to tell you what was shown me. I did not plan it. I had nothing to do with it. And I don't know why it happened that way. All I know is, I had to tell you what I was shown, knowing full well I would look like a nut, because it just so happened that none of ya'll were Christians. It was like God was asking the impossible to me. I think He was revving me up for what was to come. Seriously. I'm a jaded pro now. I can tell anybody anything and remain standing. Thanks, guys.
I want you to stop hating me. I want you to understand. If you could see the tears that I cried for each of you, you'd see this differently. If you could see the hours spent in prayer you'd be floored. If you knew my heart and my true intentions you'd put your head through the wall out of sheer shame. Yes. You would.
What will it take? Shall I speak directly to you? Don't push me.
Stop hating on me and start loving. And know if you dislike me cause you think I never wanted to be with you, think again. I won't go into that one but just know, you're wrong.
How awkward is this? And how does it fit in with the rest of my blogs? What am I doing? Is this even appropriate? I don't think so. All the more reason to do it.
I love the fact that it's messy and confusing and I am slowly gaining new enemies as well as new friends. What a fruit salad of delight. I also love the fact that God uses me in all this end-time stuff. How He uses MY HEAD, of all people, to report dreams and visons. This is just one more reason to like God. Do you like God? Don't you see His humor? Look at me. Look at this pathetic mess that I am. Well not on every level, but most. I am a true case if there ever was one. And yet He entrusts me to share big things. I have no money, no job, no car, no life. My daughter is not living with me. I have been single for an eternity and might remain so. I have neurological problems. I am: a living joke. I am not involved in any organized ministries. I don't have a church. I don't have any social groups and I haven't tithed in years. I perspire at the thought of speaking in front of people. What I'm trying to say to you is, this is real. I am real. God is real. God uses real life people for His real life work. I want you to see that. I want you to see the contrast. I want you to see that the real deal is found in real people, not the fake stuff (or even legit stuff) you see on tv. Not the big fancy Christian productions in the mega churches. Not the high and mighty wise words that come from professors with several letters after their name. No. Well yes, but not exclusively. God is alive and well in the real life messy people. He's accessible and available to EVERYBODY. The worse the better. Please listen to me. Please stop laughing, stop scoffing, stop the hating and the criticism. For once, I'm asking you to have a heart. When all this time, for over a year, my tone has been apologetic. I do feel guilty but I can't change anything. I never meant to hurt anyone. I never chose to witness to the very people who wanted me for something else. It seems like some big trick but it's not my doing. Ok? Oh and chances are I wanted you for something else too: love. However it remains beyond my reach and I think it's meant to be that way. It's to keep me uncomfortable on this planet. I can't imagine what a lazy schlep I'd be if I actually found comfort in the real world. Emotional comfort I mean. I already have all the physical comfort one can possibly handle. And I don't feel guilty about that. This is the first time in my adult life I haven't been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I suppose that's cause I already broke down. It's good on the bottom. I'm all broken. There's a certain peace in that. You should try it sometime. You have to let God break you though. You should go ahead and let it happen. It's going to happen one way or the other, might as well walk into it. Like walking yourself up to the gallows instead of being drug by the big man in the black leather hood. I know I don't look like it but in a lot of ways I am him. I am going to continue to drag until you're hung. So why not go on your own? How many more steps do you need to take? Where are you at? On the last step? Well, go on, take it. I'll step back and let you go if you just go on and do it.
Are you with me? Do you hear me?
I am moving forward with this. You're invited to keep reading. Just a warning. I'm letting go of all the "amy" stuff and am moving into more of a "what God just showed me" kind of thing. It's going to be more direct and less entertaining.
Peace.
I'm organized. Are you?
http://trying-is-what-i-do-worst.blogspot.com/
9/13/08
videos I made before I tossed my webcam into the dumpster a few days ago:
Vision '05~ "Know My Word"
http://biblestudywithcowboyharry.blogspot.com/
Psalm 33:12
America
http://anotherblogtoabandoninafewdays.blogspot.com/
random
my thoughts on Israel
I could die today and be content because I got this out:
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=42084426
http://theriverguide.blogspot.com/
me describing vision of being surrounded by demons with bows & arrows
http://eventhoughnobodypaidme.blogspot.com/
actually this is the main reason I destroyed my webcam. I want to make lots more of these. This is not good. And people say I have a problem with throwing things away. If it were not for the dumpster I would still be lost. And Jesus, too. The dumpster and Jesus.
http://amysanonymousblog.blogspot.com/
http://amy972.vox.com/
